On Friday, all us estudantes are heading out to either Huanaco or Iquitos. I am going to Iquitos. :) Iquitos is in the jungle. It should be great. We have some dramas planned, and we will be traveling around visiting some different places and sharing the gospel.
One of the things that we have been asked to do is share our testimony. Our team leader, Holly, thought it would be cool to do "Cardboard Testimonies". This is simply writing a short phrase that says who you were before Christ on one side of a piece of cardboard, and who you are now on the other side. It will of course be translated into Spanish before it goes onto the cardboard. But I have been thinking a lot about what I want to write on my cardboard. The truth is, there are different areas of my life that I surrendered quite awhile after coming to my realization of my need for a Savior at the ripe old age of 7 years old. ;) My testimony is not just the story of a little girl who was afraid of the dark and said a magic prayer. It is how God has worked in every area of my life to make me into the person He wants me to be, the person I am still striving to become through the Spirit.
There is a rather difficult part of my testimony that I find embarrassing, but that I feel God is preparing to use in the lives of others. This is something I thought I would share with you, my faithful blog readers. Those who are either amused by me, or who love me enough to look past my insanity to what God is doing in this silly gringa.
I am a Type-A, over-competitive, controlling perfectionist. I like to be first, number one, the best, and in charge. I used to hate doing anything if I wasn't great at it. I lost friends because they beat me at my favorite games in elementary school.
When I was in High School, I realized that there are a lot of things I can't control. I realized I can't possibly be the best at everything all the time. And this upset me. It turned my little world upside down. So, I decided to find something I could control.
I struggled with eating problems for a couple years. I never completely stopped eating, but I used food as a punishment/reward system for life. When things went "good enough", I could quench that hunger with a sandwich or an ice cream. When things were going bad, I could stop eating lunch, or maybe not eat for three or four days. It was systematic, it was methodical. I wanted to feel the pains of hunger. That's what drove me to work harder. That was my reminder that I hadn't met my goal, that I hadn't succeeded yet in the task at hand.
But all along, I knew, that this was a sin. This was me trying to take charge of my own life, me trying to control everything. I wasn't trusting God to take care of me. I was trusting me, my system. And what does that say about the God I serve? That He's not big enough! That He can't take care of me without my help. I was thinking I was somehow capable of meeting godly standards.
When I realized just how big my God is, and how much He loves me and cares for me, despite my inability to ever be good enough, I realized how much it saddened His heart that I could not trust Him. The Bible says that God created the heavens and the earth (Gen. 1:1). It tells us that He knew me as I formed in my mother's womb (Ps. 139). It says that He has my life already planned out so that I don't have to worry about how to serve Him (Eph. 2:10).
Nothing I do will ever be "good enough" for God because only God is good. He can only accept perfection, but through His Son, I am made perfect in His sight. So, He never expects perfection from me unless He has brought it about. I can rest that in the eyes of my great God, I stand not just "good enough", but "perfect" because of the blood of His perfect Son.
I am still competitive, and I still like things to follow a system and an order, but God has brought such balance to my life, and the struggle with this area is almost non-existent. (I say "almost" because sometimes the urge to stop eating hits me like a brick, I cannot go on a diet, and fasting is very hard for me.) And when that temptation does come, I just ask myself, "How big is your God?"
So, I guess my cardboard can say, "Perfectionist who does not eat," and on the other side, "Trusting God, partaking of the Bread of Life."
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
The Hardet Thing About Bible College
I was gonna write about my paper, but I really wanted to share this with you. I will try to post some links on FB later for those who are really interested in End Times prophecy that is being fulfilled around us.
The hardest thing about Bible College is not sharing a bathroom with girls I hardly know.
It's not eating food that I don't recognize by sight, smell, or taste.
It's not following a dress code that is stricter than my own.
It's not going to class everyday, or studying every night.
It's not learning to speak a language that I hated in high school.
It's not being thousands of miles from my family.
It's not hearing the same songs over and over, in two languages.
It's not running around in the sun until I'm exhausted and sunburned.
It's not taking a test, or reading a book.
It's not relearning how to make a latte because these machines are ... different.
It's not being without my favorite foods.
It's not learning a new transit "system".
It's not protecting myself from potentially dangerous situations.
It's not checking my bills to make sure they are real.
It's not even going without coffee every once in awhile.
It's not learning how to survive without a sceptic system.
The hardest thing about Bible College for this missionary-wannabe is getting up every morning at 7 am and making my bed.
That is the hardest thing for me. I don't know why. Many days I fail at this, and I roll out around 7:04, feeling like a failure. I stare at my bed, unkempt, and completely inviting. I think to myself, Self, yes that is how I think, in English anyway. I think, Self, you could just go back into that bed. Just crawl in and close your eyes for a few more minutes. You really could. No one would even know.
But then I hear another Voice, reminding me, Rachael, and that's how I know it's not me: it doesn't call me "Self". Rachael, you know you need to get up and make the bed. You need to because you are a bond slave, and you have chosen to follow God. And you have agreed to submit to whatever authority He places over you. And the authority over you now requires you to make that bed. No matter how tired you are, when your last cup of coffee was, or who is going to notice.
And so, eventually, I make my bed and get a shower. I have not forgotten, not once. And overall, it seems to have gotten easier. But some days, I really get upset with the Holy Spirit (that voice I mentioned). I want to just go back to sleep. I want to forget about my silly bed, and these silly rules about waking up at an ungodly (yes, ungodly is the right word) hour. I want to be able to keep my room how I like it, not how someone else says. But I have come to realize this is just selfishness.
Romans 12:1-2 tells us to present ourselves as a living sacrifice. And Galatians 5:1 reminds me that I have died to myself. I am not my own. I belong to my Master. And, like Him, my goal is to serve those around me, unselfishly. In 1 John, we are told over and over to love one another. In Romans, we are told that there is no authority that God has not allowed, and for that reason, we need to respect it inasmuch as it does not contradict the command of the Lord.
So I have several reasons to make my bed, and not one legitimate reason not to.
I share this with you, to show you my most sincere and honest struggle. Dorm cleaning is hard for me. It goes against everything I want to do. My flesh absolutely despises it. Not because I am messy; I'm actually pretty organized, but because it is someone else's imposed standard of "clean".
Pray with me that I can learn to love following this rule. And that God can be glorified in this weakness.
I challenge you to search your heart and see if there is not a rule or a task that you hate. Learn to follow/do it with joy. Remember that it is a service unto God. Even if it doesn't seem like it. I'm right there with you. I understand, but, like me, you have no excuse.
The hardest thing about Bible College is not sharing a bathroom with girls I hardly know.
It's not eating food that I don't recognize by sight, smell, or taste.
It's not following a dress code that is stricter than my own.
It's not going to class everyday, or studying every night.
It's not learning to speak a language that I hated in high school.
It's not being thousands of miles from my family.
It's not hearing the same songs over and over, in two languages.
It's not running around in the sun until I'm exhausted and sunburned.
It's not taking a test, or reading a book.
It's not relearning how to make a latte because these machines are ... different.
It's not being without my favorite foods.
It's not learning a new transit "system".
It's not protecting myself from potentially dangerous situations.
It's not checking my bills to make sure they are real.
It's not even going without coffee every once in awhile.
It's not learning how to survive without a sceptic system.
The hardest thing about Bible College for this missionary-wannabe is getting up every morning at 7 am and making my bed.
That is the hardest thing for me. I don't know why. Many days I fail at this, and I roll out around 7:04, feeling like a failure. I stare at my bed, unkempt, and completely inviting. I think to myself, Self, yes that is how I think, in English anyway. I think, Self, you could just go back into that bed. Just crawl in and close your eyes for a few more minutes. You really could. No one would even know.
But then I hear another Voice, reminding me, Rachael, and that's how I know it's not me: it doesn't call me "Self". Rachael, you know you need to get up and make the bed. You need to because you are a bond slave, and you have chosen to follow God. And you have agreed to submit to whatever authority He places over you. And the authority over you now requires you to make that bed. No matter how tired you are, when your last cup of coffee was, or who is going to notice.
And so, eventually, I make my bed and get a shower. I have not forgotten, not once. And overall, it seems to have gotten easier. But some days, I really get upset with the Holy Spirit (that voice I mentioned). I want to just go back to sleep. I want to forget about my silly bed, and these silly rules about waking up at an ungodly (yes, ungodly is the right word) hour. I want to be able to keep my room how I like it, not how someone else says. But I have come to realize this is just selfishness.
Romans 12:1-2 tells us to present ourselves as a living sacrifice. And Galatians 5:1 reminds me that I have died to myself. I am not my own. I belong to my Master. And, like Him, my goal is to serve those around me, unselfishly. In 1 John, we are told over and over to love one another. In Romans, we are told that there is no authority that God has not allowed, and for that reason, we need to respect it inasmuch as it does not contradict the command of the Lord.
So I have several reasons to make my bed, and not one legitimate reason not to.
I share this with you, to show you my most sincere and honest struggle. Dorm cleaning is hard for me. It goes against everything I want to do. My flesh absolutely despises it. Not because I am messy; I'm actually pretty organized, but because it is someone else's imposed standard of "clean".
Pray with me that I can learn to love following this rule. And that God can be glorified in this weakness.
I challenge you to search your heart and see if there is not a rule or a task that you hate. Learn to follow/do it with joy. Remember that it is a service unto God. Even if it doesn't seem like it. I'm right there with you. I understand, but, like me, you have no excuse.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Living the Dream
One day this week, I changed my Facebook status to reflect how amazing it is to live the life that I have prayed for for several years. Sometimes I say that I am living the life I have dreamed of. But that is not exactly true. I have, like most people my age, dreamed up many lives that are not a reality for me right now. I still have dreams and desires that I hope to fulfill if the Lord does not return in the next 20, 40 or 60 years and I am still alive. I have one dream to teach English in China. That has been my dream since I was 14. I dream of living for at least a year on each continent (except Antarctica). I dream of starting a Christian community theatre. I dream of being fluent in 5 languages. I dream of getting married, having children, adopting. These are my dreams. I desire to be near my family when I am raising my children. I desire a husband who has a heart for the same ministry as me. I desire to get my teaching degree, and a master's in theology. I desire to have a cup of coffee each morning as long as I live. These are my desires. But there is a difference between the life I dream of, the life I desire, and the life that I am praying for, in the past, and even now.
I have all these dreams of great things, and plans and desires that are good. But when I pray, not always, sometimes I even pray in the flesh. But usually, when I pray, I pray for God's will. I pray that God would take and form my desires and my dreams into His. And mostly I pray that He would lead me into a life where I can serve Him according to the call I already know He has placed in my life.
There is a verse that has helped me in learning to love the life I live. It is Psalm 37:4. It says: "Delight yourself in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart."(NIV) This seems to contradict verses that tell us of the wickedness of our heart, or verses about being content in all things. This seems to say that God will just give us what we want if we follow Him. But we must interpret this verse correctly in light of what we know from Scripture, and what we know about God.
First let's look at the conditional part of this verse... the first phrase tells us what our part is in receiving this blessing. It says, "Delight yourself in the LORD". When we delight ourselves in the LORD, our delight, and our desires are the things that please Him. Our ultimate desire becomes serving Him, doing His will. So, if we delight ourselves in Him, He will conform our desires to His. In this way, our desires will be fulfilled.
God never leaves His servants with unfulfilled desires. He will either fulfill your dreams or change them. 2 Thessalonians 1:11 says, "To this end we also pray for you always, that our God will count you worthy of your calling, and fulfill every desire for goodness and the work of faith with power." (NASB) He is the author and perfecter of our faith. He works in us to will and to complete the work He has began.
My dream was to live in China and be a missionary there, but I prayed for God's will, and my dream has changed. Now I have new dreams and new desires that are being continuously changed or fulfilled before my very eyes. I am blessed to live the life of my dreams, but not the life I dreamed of, the life I prayed for.
This is the life that is available to anyone who prays for God's will, and delights in the Lord. You may not have all your current dreams fulfilled, but when He changes your desires, He will not fail in fulfilling them, in His way and in His timing. Praise the Lord; He is the good and true God.
I have all these dreams of great things, and plans and desires that are good. But when I pray, not always, sometimes I even pray in the flesh. But usually, when I pray, I pray for God's will. I pray that God would take and form my desires and my dreams into His. And mostly I pray that He would lead me into a life where I can serve Him according to the call I already know He has placed in my life.
There is a verse that has helped me in learning to love the life I live. It is Psalm 37:4. It says: "Delight yourself in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart."(NIV) This seems to contradict verses that tell us of the wickedness of our heart, or verses about being content in all things. This seems to say that God will just give us what we want if we follow Him. But we must interpret this verse correctly in light of what we know from Scripture, and what we know about God.
First let's look at the conditional part of this verse... the first phrase tells us what our part is in receiving this blessing. It says, "Delight yourself in the LORD". When we delight ourselves in the LORD, our delight, and our desires are the things that please Him. Our ultimate desire becomes serving Him, doing His will. So, if we delight ourselves in Him, He will conform our desires to His. In this way, our desires will be fulfilled.
God never leaves His servants with unfulfilled desires. He will either fulfill your dreams or change them. 2 Thessalonians 1:11 says, "To this end we also pray for you always, that our God will count you worthy of your calling, and fulfill every desire for goodness and the work of faith with power." (NASB) He is the author and perfecter of our faith. He works in us to will and to complete the work He has began.
My dream was to live in China and be a missionary there, but I prayed for God's will, and my dream has changed. Now I have new dreams and new desires that are being continuously changed or fulfilled before my very eyes. I am blessed to live the life of my dreams, but not the life I dreamed of, the life I prayed for.
This is the life that is available to anyone who prays for God's will, and delights in the Lord. You may not have all your current dreams fulfilled, but when He changes your desires, He will not fail in fulfilling them, in His way and in His timing. Praise the Lord; He is the good and true God.
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