Is it worth it?

So, I came home from Iquitos, and updated my blog. About half way through writing my post for last week, I got some unexpected news. And since then, my week has been one thing after another. I wish that all my posts could be about my happy life, and what fun I am having in Lima, but this one is not. Let me say, before I go any further, that I am so full of God's joy and peace that I could explode. But I am also a human with emotions, and I have had the hardest week I can remember this week. I have cried too often and hard to count. I have considered changing my life direction. I have felt lost and abandoned. I have wanted to lash out at anyone who was giving me unwanted (although well meant) words of "encouragement". But more than any of this, I have gone to me knees more this week than in a long time. Many times asking God and myself, "Is it worth it?"
I found out this week that one of my closest friends, a girl I've known since I was in Jr. High, who I have known through all the ups and downs of teenage life, with whom I have celebrated the most joyous occasions, and gone through some of the toughest trials, is losing an eye to cancer. And ,this time, I can't be there.
On top of that, another dear friend is moving and expecting her first baby this month. My brother is awaiting news about a possible promotion and move. My sisters are both changing their majors. My parents have decided to move, and told me I will lose yet another cat while I am away.
If you have been praying for me. Thank you. I believe your prayers are what God has used to sustain me this week. If you haven't, please do. Because I am living on prayer right now.
I wanted to share this with you not to make you feel sorry for me. Not even to manipulate prayers or kind words. But to show you what God has been teaching me through the pain of this week.
What was once my life changed in a very short time in my absence, which led me to realize that it has not been my life in quite awhile. If it was my life, it could not have changed a week before I found out. Right now my life is here. And it will be here for awhile.
I would love to be at "home" with all of you, but my life is here, and as long I am here, I will rejoice in the work God has for me here. I don't know how long I will be in the States after I graduate from CCBC, but I do know that God has called me to be a missionary, and I will likely spend a large chunk of my life away from the USA.
This is something I had to commit to last week in Iquitos. I told God that I am willing to go wherever He sends me. No matter what. This week, He just asked me to stay in Lima and be here, completely. I learned what "No matter what" really means.
Don't misunderstand. I love Lima. I love the city and the people. I love my roommate and my friends. I love the school and the church. I love the ministries. I love what God is doing in me. In fact, I rarely miss anyone or anything from the States while I am here. But I also love Surprise, Arizona and Sacramento, California. The people in those places have not been replaced in my heart by the people here. And when my family and friends back home are hurting, I hurt because I want to comfort them.
The hardest part was thinking about all the times I may miss in the future. I have made a life long commitment to serve my God wherever He sends me. My niece asked if I would be home soon, and I had to say "No." She asked if I was leaving again after I come back. And I again she received an answer that she didn't want to hear. I am going to miss a lot of her life, more likely than not. And that's a hard pill to swallow. But it is nothing compared to living the life God has for me.
And so, God is teaching me about the sacrifice that I have made. He is testing my ability to carry the cross I chose. He is asking me, "Are you going to serve me? Really? No matter what?"
And after what has been a hard week, full of struggle and tempting, fear and defeat, but ultimately victory, my answer is a weak, "Yes, Lord. I am going to serve You."
I am not strong enough to do this on my own, but God is strong enough to do this through me. He has been my strength this week and He will be in the times to come.
I would much rather go through a life time of missing my family and friends than experience a week with them that was not in the will of God. It's worth it.