I happen to know that many people read this blog on a weekly basis, and for this reason, I am consistently searching my journal and my Bible to find something significant to share with you. And, being that I was at a Women's Retreat the past two days, I would have expected to have something to share. But I have come up short of what I would normally consider blog-worthy material. I am sure many of you are shocked that I consider what I write before randomly vomiting words from my brain through my fingers to the screen, but I do. It is actually very important to me, and I consider it the one ministry I have to give back to those of you who have supported me so much. And today, I sit here writing about the fact that I have nothing to write about, but that was true, until I admitted to myself that I know exactly what to write about.
I know that there is only one thought that has filled my mind and my journal for most of my time since I last blogged. (Is that really a verb, now?)
That thought this: Where is the money going to come from? You see, though I know God will provide for whatever He calls me to, I find myself still lost in my flesh of worrying. At times, I feel certain that I must in some way help God out. What foolishness, I know. I am sure Paul was speaking directly to me when he wrote Galatians 3:3, he would call me foolish if he knew me, I'm sure. But I am admitting this to you now. I lack faith in this. I wish I could tell you that was completely at peace with this, but I am not. In this moment, I struggle with myself to rip my worries away from the old Rachael and hand them to my Heavenly Father. Indeed, Thursday, I was jumping with joy at the reassurance of God's desire to use me and my part in that, and last night, I was relaxing in the peace of His goodness (the theme of our retreat). But this is a daily struggle. I am constantly faced with the reality of a life without a paying job. But a life that God has called me to. And I cannot see past the moments where the money is gone.
I feel fairly convinced that this is my first glimpse into missionary life. As I go farther, there will probably be times where there is not even money to get me home, or to pay for the next meal. I so easily stumble in to thoughts of what could have been my future if I just transferred to ASU instead of coming here. Fortunately, I have learned so much already, and I would not exchange it for all the money in the world. And as much as I love the life God has given me and the future He has promised me, I am terrified of it. This a daily walk I have with my God, and I know He is big enough, but sometimes, I lose sight of that.
My prayer is that God would give me clarity of mind so that my fears and worries do not prevent me from making wise decisions about where to God next, and that I will hear His voice when He speaks to me.
I understand that I will play a part in fundraising, which I dread. My pride hates when I admit that I need help. And I know how it feels to be asked for money. I don't want to do it, but unfortunately, it is something most missionaries have to do.
Coupling this hatred of fundraising with my uncertain financial situation, next summer, and next school year seem completely hopeless. But that is why I am so happy that my Hope is not in this world. My hope is not in my own plans for the future. Or the money it will take for my dreams to be accomplished. My Hope is Christ. And I can do anything through the strength I have in Him.
The same is true for you. I know that the economic situation is getting worse for you. I am losing money every day that I don't exchange as I watch the dollar drop before my eyes, and I know that you are living in the home of that dollar. I am praying for so many friends and family members of myself and other students who are looking for work. And I wish I could be at home to work myself and support my parents instead of getting so much from them.
Here is my Scripture for you that I read this week. Proverbs 30:7-9 "Two things I ask of You, Oh LORD; do not refuse me before I die: Keep falsehood and lies from me; give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown You and say, 'Who is the LORD?' Or I may become poor and steal and so dishonor the name of God." I hope that I can say those words and mean it for as long as I live.
My challenge to you is the same that I face: trust that your God is big enough. He has endless resources, and He holds back no good thing. He will take care of you (and I am preaching to myself here) and He loves you.
Psalm 63:3 "Because Your love is better than life, my lips will glorify You."
Please pray for me, as I begin planning for next semester. I have some tough decisions to make about how long I will be staying, and new visa laws are causing me to consider applying for residency. All the students here are making similar decisions. Some are still not sure if they are returning to Peru, or even if they will be headed home for Christmas.
1 Samuel 12:23 "As fro me, far be it from me that I should sin against the LORD by failing to pray for you. And I will teach you the way that is good and right."
Until next week, Adios.
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